Objectum Sexuality

Any Indian male nearing 30 years of age fears the one crucial discussion with his parents – more specifically with his mother – Marriage talk. Given my Indian roots, arranged marriage was always the preferred path. By virtue of some weird Law of the Universe, mothers happen to know sons better than they know themselves. So it was probably decided when I was born, that 27 years hence, she would be starting the process of bride hunting for me. It didn’t matter that I compared the process to witch hunting or some other evil form of magic. The bottom-line was clear and I could not escape it.

Some of my culturally diverse friends had been through this head-hunting process before me. And they had given me a heads up, which was not particularly appetizing to hear. Naturally I was petrified and tried to avoid the topic with a bargepole. But truth be told, my mother is quite fond of television and feeds on her daily dosage of soap operas. So like all moms, she was always a couple of steps ahead and cornered me one day. She caught me off guard, like she did on various other uncomfortable topics earlier (think smoking, booze, drugs etc). And she asked me point blank – what kind of girl do I want as a wife?

Now this is one question which obviously has no clear answer. It was like my dad asked after my Xth class Board exams – what stream and career do I want to pursue? Like, I knew what engineering or MBBS or MBA was all about! Or a mother asking her newborn why is he crying? For God’s sake, the poor thing can’t even talk and perhaps that’s why he is crying.

Anyway, I fumbled and mumbled for first few minutes but blurted out soon after. I’m sure my answer was not only mildly obtuse but maybe bordered on cultural immorality. No wonder she frantically started searching for anyone who could cure me – be it a tantrik or a psychiatrist. Maybe she once saw me kissing ‘Her’ or she imagined me dry humping. Tears were shed and a lot of drama ensued for a couple of weeks thereafter. But in the end, truth prevailed. More specifically, Mom figured there was no hope for me.

I had come up with an avant garde answer*. I said I am in love with my car and given a choice, I would like to marry ‘Her’. If not, she was free to look out for a girl who possessed similar characteristics. Because I was head over heels in love with my car and nothing could give me as much satisfaction as being with ‘Her’. It was a powerful statement. And I delivered it with the aplomb of Nehru talking of ‘Tryst With Destiny‘. It was godly uttering those words and I swear I felt (and they probably saw) an aura of yellow circle behind my head.

After all if there was someone I felt truly happy with, it was my car. ‘Her’ warm cocooning protection for me felt like an extension of mother’s womb. The soft and comforting touch of ‘Her’ leather seats lapping me up in that reassuring hug made me forget all stress of a hard day at work. The way my hands naturally wrapped around ‘Her’ steering made me think it was custom designed for me.

I have heard some of my married friends complain about nagging spouses. Some others crib how they cannot tolerate their (respective) wives’ whining and complaining after the first few years. And yet here I was, desperate to hear the soft purr of the engine at low RPMs, as much as I was eager to hear her grunting at red-line. That roar packs more punch that any sexual growl for me anyday. There was no question of me getting tired of her voice. And it was like that for all the sweet music created by ‘Her’ for me – be it the gentle engine sound at startup or the squealing of the tires on tight corners.

We were available for each other at all times – any hour of the day or night. I’m sure this would not have been possible with any woman, no matter how horny or dedicated she might be. What’s better is that we both enjoy every rendezvous together (another aspect that I feel would be unparalleled by a real wife). To top it all, none of this was ever forced or to please the other. In fact ‘She’ epitomizes the relationship pinnacle. After every drive, I’m left wondering who was more eager to please the other. I feel such sanctity in a relationship is not just difficult but truly impossible to find in the real world of today.

Our anniversaries together were real celebrations, not just the trademark dinner and drive dates. I would think of various waxes, polishes and scrubs to apply sensuously on her gleaming body, going through each and every curve with care and passion matched only by the excitement of the first kiss. And it was like that every time we performed the ritual. She would always reciprocate with the lust of a newly wed bride. Lets just say that I’ve been suitably rewarded with indescribable satisfaction when we went for the long drive after the rub-and-wash.

‘She’ has been with me on occasions where friends have failed me. During my deepest troughs of depression or my highest peaks of happiness. If there is someone who has heard either of the news first, it has to be ‘Her’. We would just head out for a romantic long drive to an unknown destination and leave the world behind. And ‘She’ loves trance music as much as I do. No other genre sounds even half as pleasing when we are together.

Yes, I do talk to ‘Her’. And ‘She’ always responds to me in a special way and language that only I can understand. Just the same way I talk to God. I have always believed in having a bond with my prized possessions and this is no different a relationship. In fact this is one of the most important ones for me.

A few years back, I decided to take our relationship to the next level. This was a decisive moment for us. Though she has never asked for any sort of proof of my love and dedication for her, but I swear I could hear an appreciative purr when I declared that I’ll take her along whenever I travel out of town. Since then we have covered more miles on highways than on city roads. And I feel these have been the best hours and days that we have spent together. My friends still think that I took that step because of rising airfares but the truth is really something else guys! I laugh at people who claim they love to fly or travel long distance by trains. If you have not gone for a road trip, you have not lived the real life. Or loved someone truly.

There is an age old adage that marriages are made in heaven. I strongly believe in karmic connections. God is really the best match maker, but his modus operandi depends heavily on past life records and soul connections. I trust in his plans and I know that the coming together of two souls is because they have a shared purpose or destiny to achieve jointly. Everyone comes into your life for a purpose and nothing is ever a mistake. However I’m a brutally practical personality too. I thank God everyday that he chose to overlook my personality flaws and matched me to ‘Her’. It is a permanent state of bliss and completeness.

(*The answer was so unbeatable that my Dad came to me late at night (when mom was asleep) and congratulated me. He even asked me to patent the answer)