Ibn Batuta’s Honeymoon

“Where are we going for our honeymoon Nish?”

The Better Half^© asked innocently while Armin Van Buuren’s ‘A State of Trance’ was playing on the iPod dock. It was our favorite EDM show and we wouldn’t miss a chance to listen to it together every Friday.

I was immersed in trance and those words hit me like a bolt of lightening. I was caught off guard and being the unimaginative dolt that I am, it only added to my misery at that moment. It wasn’t that I was not anticipating this conversation. Ideally I should have been prepared. We got married six months back but courtesy my Evil Boss^©, I could not get enough leaves to plan our honeymoon immediately after. So I had promised her that it would happen – soon. I guess now my deadline had expired.

History has it that for global men folk honeymoon is just another vacation. I have not seen cases where they voluntarily and excitedly plan for it. It is usually not even a status symbol to boast about at the next luncheon for them. Actually, let me rephrase that. On the contrary, most (Indian) men I know would turn a bright shade of evening sun when his buddies tease him about honeymoon (complete with that mischievous glint in their eyes).

As any MBA from a foreign-University-worth-its-name would do in such a situation, I tried to think on my feet. But when you are caught off guard, you are in a state of imbalance. And once equilibrium has been disturbed, you look for the nearest available pillar to take support. In my case, that meant the traditional ‘safe’ destinations of Switzerland, Bali and Europe. I internally hi-fived myself for coming up with a hill-station, beach and historic destination in one breath. However, like the other 115% of male population on this planet, even I had mis-read my lady’s cue.

(Author’s note: The only question I want to ask God upon reaching Heaven is: how could he be so sadistic in designing women as such complicated creatures?)

As soon as the names rattled off my tongue, I saw her expressions change. But unfortunately for me, they were coming out through all possible avenues except her mouth. Her eyes were widening in disbelief and along with that, her eyebrows were twitching in a disconcerting manner. Her face colour was going from the beautiful pink that I loved to a varying palette of red. I could easily visualize a chameleon bowing down at her feet as a mark of respect. Much like students do in front of their teachers. I got the hint. Not being prepared with a proper answer for honeymoon destination was bigger than the Commonwealth Games scam for her. Needless to mention, I spent the night on the couch.

But let’s look at the bright side of that. They say necessity is the mother of invention. In my case, being deprived of the cocooning warmth of my bed forced me to stay awake and out of frustration, I opened my laptop for research. As a top-of-the-mind recall, I headed to Yatra.com and thought I’ll make the most of this forced insomnia (as if I had any other choice!). A couple of hours and a few drinks later, I had a research report fit to be published as “Lonely Planet’s Honeymoon Guide for Ibn Batuta type people”. It was a unique dossier, which as they say in political circles, could seriously ruffle some feathers. Satisfied by the progress, I dozed off in the wee hours of morning. I think I dreamt about being inducted in the Traveller’s Hall of Fame where Christopher Columbus was the emcee for the evening and Captain Cook presented the scroll of honour.

The next morning, breakfast was a silent affair. For the first few minutes, I was actually enjoying it and didn’t want to disturb the peace. But as seconds passed, it seemed like the calm before the storm. If not addressed immediately, it could assume nuclear proportions (read: indefinite number of nights on couch with no real home-cooked meals). Plus I had to resurrect my lost glory. In an effort to sound cool and unaffected by the previous night, I presented the plan in my most nonchalant manner. It was met with a blank stare and further moments of silence. Luckily, this looked different from before. But since my earlier attempts at decoding her body language were futile, I decided to just flow with the tide.

I had made a PowerPoint presentation (yeah baby, nailed it) with slides which unfolded like a story with a theme. There was a day-wise itinerary and pictures from each location to get the adrenaline pumping (I swear I heard a loud gasp on the multi-city idea).

Slide 1: Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park, London, UK

Slide 2: Long Marston Airfield, Stratford Upon Avon, London, UK

Slide 3: Boom, Belgium

Slide 4: Ibiza, Spain

Slide 5: Popovka village, Crimea, Ukraine

Slide 6: This slide has been intentionally left blank (dramatic pause to gauge audience reaction)

“But baby, why so many different cities? I’ve never heard of these places as the typical honeymoon destinations. What are we going to do there?”

And then I unveiled the Grand Master Plan. I had selected these cities because they host the top Electronic Dance Music (EDM) festivals of the world. Given our love for trance it only seemed natural to plan a unique honeymoon around it. I had planned a long-ish two week vacation and so began my accompanying speech detailing the plan. The control freak that I am, even our trip was planned according to the ascending BPM levels of music to be played at each venue!

Day 1 is when we would travel from Mumbai to London to attend Electric Daisy Carnival. I chose this two day festival to kick off our expedition just the way any trance concert starts with a warm-up set. EDC is where we would catch the likes of Tiesto, Avicii, Hardwell and Dmitri Vegas to set the mood for progressively higher energy events to follow.

Continuing our stay in UK, we would then head over to Global Gathering which is held later in the week. It is unique because it plays a range of electronic genres that includes live acts, house, trance and dubstep. The festival hosts 100+ acts on 16 stages featuring some of my favourite artists such as Orjan Nielsen, Cosmic Gate, John O Callaghan, Paul Oakenfold and Andy Moor. Hence I decided we would stay here for the whole weekend.

Day 5 is when we would travel to Belgium to attend Tomorrowland at Boom (yes, there is a town by that name!). This 3-day event is where Skrillex, Swedish House Mafia, Afrojack, Steve Aoki and Paul van Dyk make their presence felt. For a dedicated EDM fan, it is impossible to skip this event and sleep peacefully for the rest of his life. The energy emitted here is enough to launch a rocket into deep space.

On Day 8 we would travel to the dance capital of the world – Ibiza in Spain to attend Ultra Music Festival. The festival Mecca for EDM fans is where my trance God Armin Van Buuren will take centre stage and play alongside David Guetta, deadmau5, and Moby amongst other legends.

Finally on Day 10 we will travel to the beautiful Ukraine and land at kaZantip. I deliberately saved this for the last for many reasons. This festival takes the cake as the longest running EDM festival in the world with non-stop techno and trance beats. kaZantip lasts for five weeks with music playing 24×7! But more importantly, it goes beyond a mere music festival. ‘paradiZers’ visit the festival grounds in signature orange outfits and yellow suitcases associated with the festival. What better way to wind down, soak in the culture and chill at our own pace and over as many days as we want?

Day 14 was the planned return to Mumbai. But by the time I reached that slide, her jaw was close to the floor. I had sort of expected it as the information was too much to process.

After a few minutes, I saw some faint signs of life as she appeared to slowly come out of her trance. She instantly snapped me in an embrace that could mildly be described as how a boa constrictor would wrap around its prey, only this was much more loving. When she decided to release me, she grabbed the phone with an unprecedented level of enthusiasm and proceeded to boast about my ingenious planning abilities to her friends. I could sense a unique mix of excitement and one-upmanship in her voice, something that I had never witnessed before (yes, not even during that shopping spree during the Zara sale!)

The last thing I remember before crashing on my bed that morning was my vote of thanks to Yatra for helping me like a wingman. I had scored a massive victory, at least for the time being. Maybe this honeymoon will go down in history as one brave man’s effort to change the world!

(This story is my entry for the ‘Creating Happy Travellers!’ contest hosted by Yatra at Indiblogger. Images have been sourced from Google and credit goes to respective photographers/websites)