Every breath you take, and every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I’ll be watching you…
I swear I could hear this song playing in background while writing. Or maybe it was the pianist at the mall. Either way, it fits perfectly.
*********************
I have a very strange but interesting hobby. It has existed since childhood but since it doesn’t fall under the category of your stereotypical ones, I guess I never got a chance to mention it on my CV. Neither can I openly discuss it in social circles without running the risk of being branded a ‘freak’. But it’s something that I can indulge in whenever I’m at a public place and in whichever part of world I may be in. And honestly, it is more fun outside my home city/country. Although the last time I tried this outside India, I almost got arrested. But it was worse back home (in Chandigarh specifically) though. I almost got thrashed by a group of over protective Punjabi boyfriends who felt I’m more pervert than them. You see people up-North do not like competition. Nonetheless, I’m thankful that science has yet not progressed enough to create a mind reader app for phones. Else I would have been in some serious shit.
So what is this part-controversial, part-sensational but wholesomely entertaining hobby?
I love observing people.
It’s an inexpensive, non-fattening and supposedly harmless leisure pursuit. It’s very simple really. You just sit and look around. A fascinating way to kill time and at the same time, get a crash course in body language and emoting styles. I think it’s an intriguing way to analyze different relationships around me.
For instance, I’m writing this blog post sitting at a coffee shop in the centre of a mall. In the last 30 minutes several people have passed by me. Couples, Women, Office goers, Senior people (I dare not call them old), Kids and teenagers, Foreigners and many, many single people too. They all seem to be here for something. But the look on their faces and their body language tells me that most are clueless about it (corroborated by the fact that many have passed by me again and again, unless they share the same hobby as me). The only common factor is that all of them have the same zombified look on them. (Note to self – At least that confirms I’m still amongst humans!)
Probably the only advantage of living in this over-populated country and densely populated city is that I don’t need to search for places to indulge in my pastime. People come to me and literally offer themselves (not the way you are thinking though) and (figuratively speaking) beg to be observed. Can I refuse? Not really. In Mumbai when you cannot even stretch during morning exercise without risking a slap on your neighbour, how can I escape hordes of assorted people thrusting themselves in my face every living minute?
But then over the years I have learnt to separate the chaff from the grain, if you’d like an analogy. Believe me, it’s no fun watching men pick their noses while driving, or auto and taxi drivers spitting at every traffic signal or even pretty young girls checking themselves out. Such instances are aplenty. And those people know they are being watched. So it’s a no-go. What is fun is to observe them when they don’t know (yeah, that did come out very stalker-like and freaky).
For example, most women that I see in the mall are in pairs. They seem to be on some kind of a shopping mission. As if the Mayans were right about the world coming to an end. Or it might also be that they are suffering from some terminal disease (no, not shopping but something really life threatening) because of which they are in a hurry to lap up clothes and shoes.
But from my knowledge of such women (mostly gathered from TV shows and some girlie magazines that I sneaked regularly from my sister’s desk), I can safely conclude that these are the ‘rich wives’ whiling away their time (and money) while the husband slogs away at work. While the number and type of bags on their slender arms hints towards that, it is more evident in their orgasmic looks and hyperactive talks. Although I must admit, I can just hear Oh My God and some pleasantly moaning sounds mostly. But I must give them credit for perfecting the art. They look like veterans of the game. If malls had a ‘frequent shopper’ program, I’m sure their husbands would have been proud.
On second thoughts, not really. That was just a figure of speech.
Then there are these younger women (girls or teenagers or whatever call them these days). They seem to be in bigger groups but they are either out for partying (judging by the way they are dressed) or window shopping. In both cases, they appear to be newbies. Or maybe the ecosystem has overwhelmed them so much that they’re unable to control their hormones. For example, I spotted some girls giggling outside a lingerie store. They were observing the mannequin and excitedly discussing something. I wonder what/why.
(P.S – A man passing by them tried to chip in with his share of happiness. But he was whacked so hard by his wife that he perhaps suffered a temporary memory loss).
I feel couples are perhaps the most fun to observe. I presume most, if not all, are just roaming around without any specific purpose (yes the guys do have an ulterior motive, but I’d not want to be judgemental here). I have seen couples in different stages of their relationship roaming around in a mall. And it is very easy to determine that. I used a simple metric to conclude this – distance between them and the hand holding.
The funny thing is that somehow the law of averages proves itself perfectly at any given time in any given mall. For example – a new-in-relationship couple was seen holding hands as tight as my 2 year old nephew clutches his toy. But another young but seemingly long married couple was doing it just for the sake of walking together. (To be fair to the guy, his body weight was imbalanced with her shopping bags so his other hand probably wanted to enjoy the freedom. But I’ll still stick to my hypothesis).
Another romantic couple was so much into each other that it almost created an optical illusion of them being Siamese twins. And then there were these elderly couples where the lady was walking a few paces ahead and the Uncle just trudging behind wearily, head bent down for the effect too. I think the last part came from years of being married and suffering dominance. Yes there were some men holding hands too. But I’m no expert on Article 377 so I didn’t stare at them long enough. Well, to be honest, I was scared they might invite me for a threesome. But let’s just leave it at that.
And then the crown jewel of crowd watching – the singles. Each of them is as unique as those extra background dancers in Bollywood group dance numbers. For some weird reason (maybe attributable to upbringing or peer pressure) the lads assume they are fit to be the next Emraan Hashmi or Ashmit Patel. They seem to be dressed accordingly and appear to be on a pick up mission. Last time I checked, a mall isn’t the best place to meet or pick up girls.
Then there are some seemingly intellectual or busy (I can’t differentiate because both have the same look on them) who somehow figure out the noisiest part of the coffee shop and park themselves for hours, laptop in front and pretend to be busy and unperturbed by the surrounding din. I have seen them everywhere but was never able to understand them. Sometimes I also spot some individuals who appear to be conducting official meetings at malls. I could never figure them out too.
The only downside to my hobby is to know when to look away, literally. Because considering the times that we live in, I run a very real risk of either being publicly humiliated or being accosted – depending on which sex I’m looking at.