A Quandary called Woman

Let me start with a confession. I’m being forced to write this article. And this time unfortunately, it’s not my alter ego, but what the world calls ‘Better Half’. Either this world is messed up in its mind, or we need a more realistic and male-centric definition of the word ‘better’.

I got a text message a while back from her. Are you writing something today? Can you pick me up at six?

Till then, I was comfortably slouched in the sofa, beer bottle in hand and season finale of Breaking Bad on TV. When I read the message, my hand moved from beer to the remote. Pausing the show and with it my day-dream of becoming a drug dealer in one single press of a button, my mind got to work. I know she is my best critic and loves my writing, but this had to be something else. Or so I felt. My writing and chauffeur services were being demanded in one text. It obviously was a test!  

For the single dude this might not mean anything. But for a man in a serious relationship, this spells trouble on many fronts. For example, what was the intended tone of this message? Does she want me to write, or is she testing whether I follow her instructions? Or is she just hinting? Why is there a question mark at the end? Does she want me to write for her or on her? Or wait, am I forgetting some important date/event in our relationship timeline? Like the 5^th month anniversary of the 1^st time she told me she likes orange more than red? No, I think that just went by last week. I guess this is something to do with the naming anniversary of her teddy bear (the blue one?).

I really can’t be blamed. When you have been in a relationship long enough your mind tends to wander in different directions. And most of the times it is unnecessary and without logic. And yet science has not found a proven way to stop it from doing so.

We do make a great couple though. In fact so good that we epitomize the phrase: ‘Behind every successful man there stands a woman’. In many ways we resemble another great Indian power couple. Much like our Prime Minister, I’m intelligent, well read, educated at good institutions and proficient in economics. But actually ‘She’ is the one who calls the shots. Right from my gait to my clothes. In her presence, I’m a mere mortal who can barely open his mouth to speak. So I try to do the other important thing with my mouth, such as eating.

And after so many years of our relationship, I have come to a simple conclusion. I finally know who to blame for my weight issues!