On a breezy, slightly chilly January evening in Mumbai, I was talking to a friend. As usual the discussion was tending towards more philosophical topics. He was concerned that despite being such a nice human being, God fearing, talented and having a pleasing personality, his relationships (especially friendships with people he liked) were not as long lived as he wanted them to be. We were pondering over the cause of the same and thus came the idea for this write up.
I came up with my theory of ‘Circle of Friends‘. The way I look at life is in the form of four concentric circles. I tried to draw an analogy to his workplace. He works at an organization employing approximately 200 people. The first circle (the outermost one) represents the ‘Universe‘ of 200 people. Many people in this circle would want to be your friend. However the reverse of this might not be true. You meet most of them (let’s say 90%) every morning and exchange pleasantries. But it ends at just that. Neither do you think about them later on, nor do you end up striking a conversation. This takes away bulk of the population from your consideration set.
The second circle – the ‘Layer of Acquaintance‘ – consists of the remaining 10% (or 20 people). These are the ones with whom you interact with, on a regular basis. However the level and type of interaction differs. While some of them maybe your colleagues (which means greater interaction), others might be people from other departments. With some, you are forced to interact with because of work obligations. Some may be your lunch room friends, commute friends, or smoking/coffee machine friends. However I believe that with them as well, personal incidents are not shared. In the end they would know you as XYZ only.
The next circle is that of ‘Friends‘. This is a choosy decision. It may happen with only 20-25% of the 20 people with whom interaction happens. Which means only about 4-5 people at the workplace would be privy to your likes and dislikes, your weekend plans, your external group of friends and such personal stuff. These would be the ones with whom you would be on ‘nickname’ basis, would go out for lunches, would party with after work etc. You would regularly be in touch with them through phone calls or text messages and would generally be found in their company. Over time, you and this circle of friends get to be known as a ‘Group‘.
However, what’s most interesting is the last concentric circle. There will be just 1 or 2 people out of your ‘friends’ with whom you will be able to forge that extra special bond. This will happen automatically. You will find yourself drawn to that person, to the extent that you are willing to spend extra time with him/her, beyond what you would do with other friends. Discussions with this friend will invariably happen on a higher level. Over time you may realize that s/he is the one filling up a void in your life, which you feel was never possible. The bonding that you form with this friend happens quickly, is deep rooted and usually lasts a lifetime. With this friend, you’ll realize that you can be your natural self, speak your mind (and heart), in whatever language and vocabulary and STILL be understood as the way it was meant to be. This friend will ensure that you are protected from negative forces around you and will usually warn you about people who may bring harm to you. S/he is the one who will point out the ‘development needs’ in your personality in a way so beautiful that you’ll never feel insulted or bad, but rather feel motivated to work on them and improve yourself.
It’s almost as if you two have a karmic connection from the previous birth. It may sound spooky at times. But once you’re into such a relationship, you’ll realize what I mean. Thoughts and ideas mostly match – as if the other person completes what you were just about to say. Likes and dislikes, opinions on people, views on events, and ideas on life are very similar to each other. The ultimate beauty of such a relationship is that both of you understand each other so well that you are accommodating enough to give the space required to make the relationship blossom. You tend to accept the other person despite his/her weaknesses. S/He will appreciate this, since other friends/companions never gave that kind of space.
At an advanced stage, this relationship may seem to be a dream. The kind that you want to remember forever and want to wake up with – wanting to believe it’s a real.
So what’s the caveat? Why is it so difficult for most of us to have such relationships? It’s because it’s VERY difficult to explain such a friendship to others. Our Indian society, over time has formed an opinion that two people of the opposite gender cannot have a platonic bond. Hence people would view your friendship with a sense of envy/jealousy. This causes two people in the friendship to hold back their feelings, words and emotions – so that they do not get mis-interpreted or their intentions do not get mistaken for some ulterior motives. I feel this is terribly wrong.
I believe this kind of relationship is best left unexplained. Most people around us are immature to realize that a man and a woman can have a non-sexual, but close bonding. The more justifications one provides for his relationship, the more he gets drawn into a web of mockery, tease and suspicion regarding his male/female friend. This ultimately brings shame to either of them. For want of ‘protecting’ their image or status in the organization or society, they give in to the societal pressures and a very beautiful friendship sees a premature death.
Amongst friends, the most beautiful moment is expression. There should be no inhibitions when it comes to expressing your feelings. Why should one hold back one’s emotions because of the time of the day or because the society feels that it won’t be appropriate to do so? Unfortunately, exactly the reverse of this happens most of the time. 99% of us restrict our emotions because we ‘feel’ that the other person may misconstrue our words or emotions. Or, we wait for the ‘right’ time to do so. While in the short run, we feel this to be the most workable option, what we don’t realize is that is in the long run, it doesn’t let the bonding grow naturally. I want to look at such a friendship in the same light as I view a sapling. You sow the seed and then you feed water, fertilizer and nutrients to the plant. Along with sustained love and care, the puny sapling grows into a plant and over time, into a mighty tree.
I feel such friendships are VERY rare. On your death bed, if you are able to count such close friends (as described above) on one hand, you should consider your life as successful. So instead of giving in to societal norms, I advocate that one should do as his/her heart preaches. After all, you got only one life. So live it as per YOUR rules, not as per the society dictates.