For a very long time, I abstained from writing on the most controversial topic – LOVE. It’s not that I haven’t been in love. I have been a provider as well as a recipient of love – and may I say multiple times in my life. But that’s exactly what I ponder every time. Was it really true love? Of course when it’s happening, it does seem so and you somehow convince yourself to believe it as well. But then, isn’t true love supposed to last forever? Or would you like to answer me in the clichéd way that ‘all good things are supposed to come to an end’?
A lot of introspection and soul searching led me to write this.
One could analyze various facets of love better if we were to define the parties involved. Theoretically love could exist or happen between any two entities – living or non-living. However that’s exactly where I’d like to draw the line. For the purpose of this write-up, I’d like to exclude mother-child love, sibling relationships, love for pets, devotion towards God or any other form of ‘material love’ i.e. love for money, house, gadgets etc.
With that backdrop, I could philosophize about love from many different angles – analyzing the pros and cons of each argument, or advocating one over the other. Simply because, as an emotion, love takes on different gamuts. However I certainly do not empathize with some common notions on love and I’d debunk those theories immediately upon hearing.
For example, I would clearly junk the theory of ‘Platonic love’. In my opinion, love without sex is incomplete. Think of it this way – you go for a shower, wet your body, lather up, wash yourself clean but don’t have a towel to dry your body. Does it sound complete? (on a lighter note – one could argue that standing under a fan for sometime would dry you up, but that still leaves one unsatisfied). Just a very small portion of human population could call themselves detached from the physical gratification through sex. For the rest of the universe, sex is as basic a need as food and water. And sex without love is like dancing without music. No doubt you can do it, but it’ll seem hollow and fake.
Another thing I keep hearing is un-conditional love. To me, all love is conditional. All individuals are selfish at some level. Whether one admits or not, the reason to be in love is to feel content and complete. The satisfaction of being loved, pampered, having someone to love – are all conditions that one attaches to the relationship. Of course the conditions vary amongst all individuals. However, love as an emotion gets contorted when material aspects become those conditions. Money and gifts are, at best, mood enhancers and should be used with caution. At no point should they become relationship definers or ‘hinges’. I treat material aspects akin to a buffet spread. It tempts you upon sight but you soon realise that you can’t have more than your bodily capacity. However the experience still doesn’t make you wiser. Within a few days you’ll be tempted to go for a buffet meal again, having completely forgotten the consequences of the last time. It is only time and age which makes one wiser with respect to greed.
In my personal opinion, love that nurtures from the roots of friendship is the most enjoyable. It gives one an ample scope to experiment, be your natural self, make mistakes and explore your companion in an unbiased and accurate way. If you enter any relationship with a view to ‘fall in love’, it is most likely doomed from the very beginning. That is why, I strongly believe that love ‘happens’. While I’m not factoring for destiny here, I’m definitely saying that there has to be some connect to carry forward the friendship into a different realm.
An important aspect to consider here is acceptance. Many individuals make the classic folly of getting into a relationship with a view to be able to change the other person in future. I strongly differ in opinion here and treat this purely as a selfish need to tilt the balance of power. This also proves the theory that people deliberately fall in love rather than letting it happen. What we fail to realise is that as friends we are somewhat fine with the other person’s shortcomings, but it suddenly assumes life changing proportions if we look at them as a lover. Then everything has to be just perfect. Why?
Think of it this way – when two like-minded people meet (be it as a stroke of destiny or otherwise) there might not be anything. They could just end up as acquaintances, colleagues or normal friends. However it is that spark or chemistry between them which draws them to meet again and again. During the initial few meetings they try to put on a façade (everybody does!) so as to impress each other. However it is impossible for anyone to be artificial all the time. Hence, time plays an important role here.
I’ve been in a relationship where I discovered love. I cannot say I invented it, simply because I believe it always existed between us. However I can perhaps take credit for bringing it up to the surface and nurturing it (although slightly un-intentionally). At the same time, I cannot be selfish and not give credit to her. The sacrifices involved in ensuring that our friendship moves to the next level were far more from her side than mine. The ethereal aspect of this relationship is that none of us were doing it with a specific purpose in mind. As I said earlier, I feel ‘it just happened’. Or maybe it was meant to happen that way?
Hindsight always makes us wiser. When I look back on our relationship, I feel there were certain aspects that could have been done in a different way – or perhaps in a better way. However this is exactly what makes this relationship special for me. When I look back at the time spent with her today, I just wouldn’t want to have it any other way. Maybe I’m getting possessive about the memories that we created together, but somewhere I feel those were important in bringing us where we are today.
I hate tests but I feel they are necessary to examine one’s competence to move to the next (higher) level in life. If I were to devise a test for my relationship with her, the top-of-the-mind-recall comes from two things – ability to get back together after a fight and the willingness to spend time with each other. Let’s face it – arguments/fights/disagreements are a part of any relationship. However the success factor should be the ability to get back to normalcy and continue as-before-as-quickly-as-possible. Secondly, the will to spend time with each other, not due to any compulsion or habit, but out of sheer motivation to do so, talks a lot about the sustenance of the relationship.
I like to look at love from a high vantage point because that’s what gives it a proper perspective. At the micro level, all things seem sweet and nice. That’s because we look at them in isolation and as independent events. Without doubt, having common interests and hobbies are necessary, as much as it is to be on the same level of understanding. But a seasoned player could very well develop these abilities in order to steer any relationship in their benefit. However relationships are like jigsaw puzzles. You bring together your thoughts and experiences as the pieces and try to put them together with those of your companion. At the end when you look at it from the rooftop, what matters is whether the pieces are fitting together as a tightly as possible, and that the picture should complete!
After reading this, I’m sure you’ll no longer wonder why your fingers fit so naturally and almost automatically in between your companion’s when you hold hands…..
You may want to read up on “agape” 😉